When I was stuck in my addiction, one of the most common thoughts I had was, “I’m so lonely.” Being alone was something I absolutely couldn’t take. I tried as hard as I could to never be alone because I knew that, for me, it was dangerous—I would get suicidal. Of course, for me, the […]
About Adam Fout
What It’s Like to Have Anxiety
What it’s like to have anxiety is like having a rock on your chest. It’s like having your breath taken away in the worst way possible. It’s like this low-level, unplaceable fear that comes from nowhere and everywhere. Anxiety is like fear, except it’s not. It’s this thing that eats you alive, that takes you […]
Are Hallucinogens Addictive? Yes–Here’s Why
Are hallucinogens addictive? I can give you my experience, but I can also tell you that I know numerous addicts who would tell you that hallucinogens are absolutely addictive. I’ve been addicted to a lot of drugs, most of them what you would consider hard drugs. Methamphetamine/amphetamines, heroin, alcohol, benzodiazepines—even marijuana. I’ve taken maybe a […]
Is Alcoholism a Mental Illness? Absolutely
Alcoholism is absolutely a mental illness, and so is drug addiction. They’re as dangerous as depression, as debilitating as anxiety, and as horrible as OCD. Setting aside for a moment the fact that alcoholism is defined as a mental illness by just about any doctor you’ll talk to (and is also defined that way in […]
A Chapter from My Book About Drug Addiction “Ghost” Was Published by The Doctor T. J. Eckleburg Review
A chapter from my book about drug addiction titled “Ghost” was published recently in The Doctor T.J. Eckleburg Review. Here’s a snippet of it. A Chapter from My Book About Drug Addiction I live in a world of spirit. Each day I am sober is miraculous and terrifying. Each day I am sober should not […]
Why Mental Health Is Important
It’s so strange to think about the fact that we have to ask why mental health is important. No one ever asks why physical health is important—this is a given. We all agree on it. We all know it. We all at least feel properly guilty and ashamed when we don’t take care of our […]
Step 4 AA | Time for Action
Step 4 of AA is intimidating, but it doesn’t have to be. Up to this point in the 12 steps, we’ve done nothing more than answer 3 questions and make a decision. In step 1, we admitted that we were powerless over drugs and alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable. Those are a […]
Why Is Life so Hard?
Why is life so hard? I think there are several reasons, but before we get into them, we have to define what it is about life that’s so hard in the first place. Life can be broadly broken down into a few different aspects: Work Love Health Meaning Fun Spirit There’s probably more, but these […]
Step 3 AA | Turned Our Will and Our Lives Over to “God”
Step 3 of AA is something I’ve seen hundreds of people struggle with. It’s so hard that many people just can’t get past it at all. But step 3 doesn’t have to be so bad. There are a few ways of looking at it. And to tell you the truth, you don’t have to believe […]
A Chapter of My Addiction Memoir / Alcoholic Memoir Titled “Unbridled” Was Published Recently
I recently wrote an addiction memoir / alcoholic memoir about my experiences using and drinking and then getting sober. The first chapter I’ve had published titled Unbridled was published recently in Another Chicago Magazine. You can read it in its entirety here, but here is a snippet of the story. Unbridled from my Addiction Memoir […]
How to Be Sober | Surviving Early Sobriety | 3 Powerful Tools I Still Use Today
Learning how to be sober is tough, especially when you’ve been drinking/using for years or decades, but surviving early sobriety doesn’t have to be as difficult as you think. Addicts and alcoholics are survivors, but nothing takes survival skills quite like recovery. Getting off drugs and alcohol is so hard. Getting that first step down […]
Overcoming Fear
Overcoming fear can seem impossible, especially if you suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder like I do. Sometimes fear feels so completely overwhelming that we’re paralyzed. Sometimes it feels like fear’s got us by the balls and won’t let go. What do we do then? It’s a hard question to answer, especially when your heart is […]
The Perfectionist | Fear of Imperfection and Procrastination
“My greatest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist, haha.” How many actual perfectionists have said this in job interviews before? If only that was a joke. If only my fear of imperfection (an outgrowth of my OCD) didn’t cause me to procrastinate so much that I don’t get anything done in the first place. It’s […]
Step 2 AA—This Is Why It Can Be so Hard
Step 1 is the hardest step. It’s a bitch. But step 2 of AA can be just as difficult. It’s a deceptive step. Many people think that they have it the moment they walk in the door because they believe in a higher power–some god from their religion. I think that’s why step 2 in […]
MDD | This Is What Major Depressive Disorder Looks Like
MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) is something I’ve suffered from my entire life. We always talk about MDD as a disease, but what does that mean really? Does the disease model make a difference in how something like this affects my life? It does. Defining it as a disease means that it has nothing to do […]
Anxiety Neurosis | Free Floating-Anxiety Explained
Anxiety neurosis, also known as free-floating anxiety or Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is easily the worst kind of anxiety you can have. Here’s what it looks like. Something’s wrong. Something’s wrong and I can’t breathe I can’t breathe I can’t breathe I— I just need to go outside. Maybe I need a drink. Damn I […]
Addiction Podcast—Seasons of Sobriety
I recently appeared on another awesome addiction podcast called Seasons of Sobriety Listen Now Here’s a few notes on the podcast. Listen to the Addiction Podcast This episode features Adam F. from the Dallas-Fort Worth, TX Adam has been sober since August 11, 2011 In Adam’s story you will learn how he dealt with his […]
Recovery Podcast–The Bubble Hour
I recently appeared on The Bubble Hour, an incredible podcast that you guys have got to check out. Listen Now Here’s what the podcast is about: “Adam recounts his early experiences with drugs and alcohol, and describes how he tumbled instantly into addiction at a young age. His problems began to compound as drug use led […]
What Are Boundaries? Setting Boundaries with an Alcoholic or Addict
Boundaries are rules that we set with other people. These rules govern what they can and cannot do to or with us, but they also describe the consequences of what will happen if those boundaries are crossed. Setting boundaries is healthy, and for most people, this is just sort of done naturally. They’re happy to […]
Meditation Course–Week 1 of Getting Back Into Meditation
Second only to step 10, meditation has long been the bane of my program, and though I’ve thought for a long time that I should try a meditation course, I kept putting it off and putting it off. The reason I thought I should try a course is that I’ve never really been able to […]
13th Stepping—The Biggest Danger in AA
AA is full of predators. I used to be one. 13th stepping is when someone with a lot of time sober (2 years+) hooks up with newcomers (people with little sober time—think 3 months or less). Just so we’re clear, the 13th step is not an actual step (it is the 12 steps after all…). […]
Published on SoberHustle—The Pain of Steps 6 & 7
Steps 6 and 7 are so incredibly important. I’ve written about them before for Solutions of North Texas, and they’re something I never tire of because of how powerful a role they play in deciding how happy or unhappy my sobriety is going to be. Here’s a little snippet of the post. The Pain of […]
Published in Recovery Today Issue 68: Am I Powerless? The First Step
Recovery Today magazine is an incredible publication that’s perfect for people like us. They recently published my experience with step 1. You can get Recovery Today free on your smart device here. Here’s a little excerpt of what I wrote. Am I Powerless? The First Step They say the first step takes the longest. I’ve […]
Steps 6 and 7—Separating the Living From the Dead
I recently wrote a blog post for Solutions of North Texas about steps 6 and 7 and how critical they are for anyone who wants long-term sobriety. The most pain I’ve ever felt in sobriety was from not working these steps. Here’s a little snippet of the article, but you can read the entire post […]
Step 1 AA—Can It Be Done Perfectly?
Step 1 of AA: “We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (and drugs) and that our lives had become unmanageable.” I’m sure we’ve all heard this in meetings before: “Step 1 is the only step you have to do perfectly.” I always wondered what the hell that meant. How can a step be done perfectly? […]
How to Help an Addict
Trying to help an addict can be one of the most difficult and frustrating experiences of anyone’s life, especially if the addict has been using for a long time. The truth is that helping an addict is almost impossible when they’re not ready. So many of my sponsees are scared of sponsoring. They think they’ll […]
How to Build an Author Platform
I recently was invited by Writing Workshops Dallas to write a blog post on how to build an author platform. I included everything I’ve learned over the years in digital marketing. Check it out here.
The Stages of My Alcoholism
The First Stage of My Alcoholism—It Runs in the Family I’m 14. We go to visit my grandmother. She’ll die a few years later. She’s drinking a handle of Jack Daniels by herself. It will be decades before I learn that my grandfather had decades of sobriety. It will be a decade before I learn […]
I Was Addicted to Xanax, and It Almost Killed Me
Being addicted to Xanax is like living in dark room with a slow strobe light. Wake up. Flash. It’s night time. Wake up. Flash. It’s the next morning and I’m lying next to a dumpster in the sun. Wake up. Flash. It’s a week later and everyone is mad. Wake up. Flash. I’m in the […]
Addicted to Meth—Why the Crystal Meth High Is an Awesome Lie
If heroin is a dragon, then meth is a vile, sleazy murderer, a slinking thief that slips a knife into your reality and leaves you wondering what’s true, what’s a lie, and who’s coming to kill you (when really it’s always been the meth). And yet when it whispers to you, it tells you these […]
This Is Why Heroin Is so Addictive
Opiates are my first love. If OxyContin was my first girlfriend, then heroin became my wife. Heroin is so addictive. So so so addictive. And the reason is simple. It washes everything away. The reason I loved OxyContin is that it gave me energy and made me feel invincible, something I loved early in my […]
OCD–Intrusive Thoughts, Obsessive Cleaning, and Checking Everything Twice (and Three times, and Four… Five… Six…)
Since I was a kid, I’ve had OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). OCD can manifest in a variety of ways. Here’s what mine looks like. This house isn’t clean. This house isn’t clean. I need to write. I need to work. I need to make money but it’s not clean it’s not clean it’s not clean […]
Anxiety and Addiction—Substance-Induced Anxiety That Doesn’t Go Away
If you’re a tweaker, you probably have a pretty damn good idea what substance-induced anxiety feels like. Anxiety and addiction are as closely related as depression and addiction. One usually follows or causes the other. Many of us use to self medicate and get rid of the anxiety, and the addiction follows. For many more, […]
Is Sober Living a Good Idea? What the Sober Living Environment Is Like
Sober living is probably the only reason I made it through the first six months of my sobriety. The environment in most sober living facilities is not nearly as bad as most people think it is. I was scared to go, but once I got there, I found something incredible: a large group of men […]
Writing Workshops Dallas Helped Me Finish My Addiction Memoir
About a year ago, I decided to write an addiction memoir in the style of Denis Johnson’s Jesus’ Son (my favorite short story collection of all time and a huge influence on my nonfiction). After finishing the first draft of the addiction memoir, which ended up at about 300 pages, I lost all momentum. The […]
God and Sobriety—My Story on The Way Out Sober Podcast
I recently had the incredible opportunity to be a guest on The Way Out Podcast this past week and had so much fun talking to Jason. It’s long, but we got into some deep spiritual shit. Give it a listen.
Addicted to Weed
I’m in an outpatient psychiatric facility, a partial hospitalization program I signed up for after a second suicide attempt. I’m smoking weed before I go in every morning, and I’m smoking as soon as I get out. They have a little questionnaire that you fill out every day. One of the questions is “Did you […]
It’s Not That I Want to Die—It’s That I Don’t Want to Exist
Depression is a bitch, and I’ve suffered from it my whole life. It’s hard to explain to someone who’s never suffered from it. It’s hard to explain the difference between being depressed and being suicidal. It’s even harder to explain clinical depression (major depressive disorder) to someone who has experienced situational depression (like how you […]
What’s Rehab Like? It’s Like High School (Seriously)
I’ll never forget first time someone told me they’d been to a drug rehab. It was like talking to a leper. I was still using, and I would continue to use for another couple years. I’d never even heard of Cocaine Anonymous or Alcoholics Anonymous before. I had no idea what happened in rehab. I […]
This Is Why Addicts Can’t Stop
You’ll hear a lot of reasons why addicts can’t stop doing drugs and why alcoholics can’t stop drinking, but the main reason they can’t stop is because they literally cannot stop—their brains won’t allow it. If they would, and they truly wanted to, I promise you that they could (some don’t want to stop, and […]
Is Cocaine Addictive? Yes and No
Depending on how you define addiction, there’s an argument to be made that cocaine is both addictive and not addictive at the same time. I know this sounds confusing, so let’s look at how we define addiction. Most normal people think of addiction as physical dependence: a junky can’t stop shooting heroin because, if they […]
Are You Sober If You’re on Suboxone? I Wasn’t
When I woke up in a detox in 2011, the doctor said, “We’re going to put you on Suboxone to wean you off heroin. We recommend you stay on for at least 6 months.” I laughed in his face. “You’re not sober if you’re on Suboxone man,” I said. “I used to snort that shit […]
My OxyContin Addiction Story
I was addicted to OxyContin for 7 years, but my story starts well before I ever touched a pill. I was 17 the first time I smoked chronic. It did something to me I’d never felt before. It freed me. Something in me had always been coiled, some gear wound too tight. It stopped my […]
My Story “Black Glass” was published in Issue 24 of Pulp Literature
Pulp Literature is one of my favorite Canadian lit mags and does an excellent job of supporting writers from all over the world. I’m particularly grateful that they chose to publish my story Black Glass. They’ve been extremely supportive and helpful throughout the publication process. You can read my story Black Glass by purchasing Issue […]
My Story “Correction” Was Published in Factor Four Magazine
Factor Four Magazine has been super supportive of my writing and is an incredible venue. I’m disappointed that it had to close down but hopeful it may be revived someday. While quite short, this story traces the current trends in incarceration in the United States to their logical conclusion, particularly condemning the attitude promoting/fetishizing punishment […]
My Story “We Are Cherished” Was Published by DreamForge
The awesome new speculative fiction magazine DreamForge recently published my short story “We Are Cherished.” This one was a lot of fun to write and was an attempt to break out of the mode of depressing fiction I’d been writing to create something hopeful. I am forever grateful to Scot at DreamForge for building something […]
A Story of Uselessness | Living, as They Do, at the Bottom of the Sea
My story Living, as They Do, at the Bottom of the Sea was published today in Breath & Shadow. Breath & Shadow is a wonderful publication out of Maine that publishes work focused on disability. Because my disabilities are “invisible,” I often feel compelled to convince myself that they don’t exist (dangerous), and so, in reaction to […]
My Story “Shackles” Was Published Today in Factor Four Magazine
My first piece of professionally published flash science fiction, a piece called Shackles, was published today in Factor Four Magazine. Factor Four Magazine is a new publication that publishes flash science fiction, fantasy, and other genres. My story, Shackles, explores what it means to be human in the far future, when our bodies and our methods of communication are […]
What Addiction Is Really Like—My True-Life Recovery Story
On June 19th, 2018, I was able to tell my true-life recovery story on stage at the Moody Performance Hall thanks to an incredible opportunity from Oral Fixation and with the shrewd guidance of Nicole Stewart as my editor. The entire show, which featured many other performers in addition to myself, was based around a […]
A Sci-Fi Story — And We Found It in a Dark Place
“And We Found It in a Dark Place” is a sci-fi story about need. The more I think about this story, the more I see how it parallels my experiences with addiction — the main character faces a need, a desperation beyond reasoning, and she has no choice by to commit unspeakable violence to get […]
A Poem About Modern Life — We Are Something More and Something Less
This poem encompasses my experience in the white-collar working world. Of working until your eyes bleed and then working some more. It is a poem about modern life and the life that came before, of what we have gained and what we have lost, and in it, I wonder if things are better, today, or […]
A Poem About Addiction — Summer
Summer is a poem about addiction, a poem about the viciousness of my disease, a poem about the insanity that sits only under the surface, that has not gone away. That will never go away. Poetry about addiction is something we need in a world that wants it, and us, to not exist. Every day, […]
The Death of a Strong Woman
This flash piece originally appeared on 365 Tomorrows. The Death of a Strong Woman Her hut is digitized light. They are coming for her. Her prayers to the netGODS continue. But there will be no deliverance. She has heard the whispers. She has seen the dissention. Her daughter screamed at her this morning. “Go.” “Go!” […]
A Sad Short Story — We’re Not OK, Are We?
I’ve written a sad short story or two, but this is probably the saddest. We’re Not OK, Are We? is the story of a woman, a man, their diseases, and their miserable life in modern America. This story originally appeared in Borrowed Solace. You can purchase the full issue here — mine is not the […]
Drug Addiction Stories — A Beautiful Death
I’ve written several drug addiction stories — this is the first to be published. What follows is the full text of A Beautiful Death, which was originally published on The Courtship of Winds. You can find links to the original publication at the end of the story. Drug Addiction Stories by Adam Fout — A Beautiful Death “Is […]
