“I don’t want to exist,” is so much different from “I want to die,” and actually being suicidal, but normal people… well, they’ll just never get it.
Depression is a bitch, and I’ve suffered from it my whole life.
It’s hard to explain to someone who’s never suffered from it. It’s hard to explain the difference between being depressed and being suicidal.
It’s even harder to explain clinical depression (major depressive disorder) to someone who has experienced situational depression (like how you feel after losing a loved one or a job).
This can be even more difficult when you’re dealing with someone who has been depressed while drinking or getting high, only to suddenly have the depression lifted once they get sober.
There’s a huge difference between wanting to die, wanting to kill myself, and just wanting to not exist. In my experience, these are different levels of depression.
Thankfully, I’ve found freedom from depression through medication. The 12 Steps are nice and all, and they keep me sober, but I suffered from deep depression and suicidal thoughts since I was a child—this is clinical depression that only medication can address (usually).
The lowest level (which is still a completely miserable way to feel) is not wanting to exist.
I Just Don’t Want to Exist
The first level of depression has nothing to do with actually dying. It’s not wishing for death.
It’s wishing for the pain to stop.
And every day, the pain goes away for a short amount of time—when we’re asleep.
Unconsciousness is bliss to someone who finds the waking world miserable. It’s a lack of existence, especially if you don’t dream.
Just because I don’t want to exist doesn’t mean I actually want to die. It usually means (even if I don’t know it) that I just don’t want to exist the way I’m existing right now.
For someone with clinical depression, life can look good or bad on the outside, but it doesn’t matter what life looks like—inside, we are deeply sad.
There’s no reason for it other than some dumbass neurotransmitters in our skulls doing shit they shouldn’t be doing.
This is why you see many successful people commit suicide despite having lives most of us dream of.
People like Philip Seymour Hoffman, Robin Williams, and Chester Bennington had lives many people would literally kill for, and yet they killed themselves.
Why?
Because exterior circumstances cannot fix the little molecules in my brain that won’t act right.
To fix this, many of us will self-medicate, which rarely actually fixes the problem.
Incidentally, drinking to blackout or shooting opiates until you pass out is another form of non-existence that has nothing to do with death.
That’s one reason drugs like these can be so enticing to someone with clinical depression, though often that just makes things worse.
When you feel this way, it doesn’t matter what your life actually looks like, but death doesn’t necessarily seem like the answer, or even something you’d want.
I’ve talked to many people who just didn’t want to exist because the pain was too intense, but who would never kill themselves for a variety of reasons.
For many, they loved their family and friends, and they would never want to leave them. They would never want to actually die.
They really didn’t want to feel the way they were feeling right now. They wanted to escape existence. They wanted to feel better, and since that wasn’t happening, they wanted to escape the pain.
This is part of the reason I would sleep for 12+ hours a day in my depression. I just didn’t want to be in the world, just like someone with chronic pain only wants the pain to go away.
They might commit suicide because the pain won’t go away, but if the pain actually stopped, they’d be happy to live.
I’ve been deeply depressed in sobriety and still very much wanted to live, but I’d lose myself in activities that let me escape the world, whether that be work, hobbies, writing, TV, or videogames—all forms of escape, which is to say, forms of getting out of my head and forgetting my own existence.
What’s much different is actually wanting to die.
I Want to Die
Wanting to die is a lot different from wanting to not exist.
The difference is that I don’t care if the pain stops or not—I still don’t want to be alive.
This is a deeper level of despair where I see nothing good in my life, and I don’t see any way for things to ever get better except through death.
Now this is different from actually being suicidal. Being suicidal means I want to cause my death.
Wanting to die usually means I’m just praying for death to happen to me through no fault of my own.
Remember when I said many people who don’t want to exist still love their families and friends? This is often one of the reasons people who want to die haven’t gotten to the stage of being suicidal yet.
When I wanted to die but wasn’t yet suicidal, I would pray for things like plane crashes that happened to hit my house. I would hope a drunk driver would hit me. I would wish for death to come to me somehow so that I could leave this world without hurting those I love.
Now what if the depression were lifted? Would I still want to die? The answer is probably yes—life was shitty for me for a long time, and I didn’t see any point in trying to stay alive.
I was convinced by 25 that my life was permanently ruined. It wouldn’t matter if I was happy because I had no job, lots of legal issues, lived with my parents, and generally had a life that looked permanently bad.
Did I want to actually take my own life? Not at that time.
But I did a year before that.
I Want to Kill Myself
This is what most people think of as depression—they think the person wants to kill themself, and that’s rarely the case.
However, this is (obviously) common. Around 40,000 people kill themselves each year in the US alone.
When I was 24, I had just gotten raided by the Kansas Bureau of Investigation, I had gotten a DUI a month or two before, and life not only seemed hopeless, but it seemed like something I needed to get out of ASAP.
I was suicidal, which means I was actively seeking ways to kill myself.
I’m a coward, which means I was trying to find the easiest way out that I could. I figured I could overdose on opiates and benzodiazepines and then shoot myself in the head to ensure it was painless.
At the last minute I decided not to go through with it, mostly because my girlfriend at the time knew what I was up to and wouldn’t leave until all the drugs were gone because she knew I wouldn’t just shoot myself.
I was too scared of surviving and having an even worse life than I thought I already had.
I still loved my parents at this time. I loved my friends. I loved my girlfriend probably more than anyone because I had become so codependent on her.
But none of this mattered because the mental anguish of depression had combined with circumstance to become overwhelming. I was beyond wishing for death—I was seeking it.
On my second suicide attempt, I ate a handful of oxy that I knew would be enough to kill me. At this point, I didn’t even care if I failed—It was time to go.
Fortunately I failed. I’ve always wondered if there’s a version of me in a parallel universe who succeeded. It makes me hope that theory is wrong.
The difference between the time when I just wanted to die and my two suicide attempts is that I had a plan for the attempts.
I knew how I was going to do it, when I was going to do it, and where I was going to do it.
That’s the big difference between wanting to die and being suicidal—the plan.
It Gets Better
I’m so glad I failed because life eventually did get better, but only through therapy, medication, and not giving up on treatment.
With therapy and treatment, depression can be lifted, but there are definitely people for whom it takes significant work. Treatment-resistant depression is very much a thing, so you shouldn’t feel bad about yourself if you’ve tried a bunch of antidepressants, and they haven’t worked.
It took me 20 years to find the right medication for me. The fact that I survived that long is a miracle. Not everyone makes it.
It’s worth sticking it out though. I’m sure you can remember a time when life was good, when you were happy. I always wanted to return to my childhood, even though I was rarely happy then, there were moments where things were good.
Remember those moments. You can get there again.
I know it sounds exhausting. I know it sounds awful and impossible.
I know it hurts.
Keep trying. Change medications. Change doses. Change doctors. Try whatever it takes to get back to those times.
Because life can feel like that again.
I promise.
It’s worth it.
Here’s what I do every week to survive. It helps me stay sane and not want to kill myself.
Wow, this describes exactly what I’m going through right now (not wanting to exist/wanting to die). I just reached out to my doctor today for antidepressant therapy. Thanks for making me not feel so alone with these thoughts/feelings.
You’re welcome! So glad to hear you’re getting the help you need.
hi so i think about wanting to not exist everyday but i cant talk to anyone about it and my counselor will tell my mom about my suicidal thoughts and it will be a mess. how do i get help without my mom knowing?
Can you talk to your primary doctor about it? They can often prescribe medication for depression. Email me at awfout@gmail.com and we can talk more.
Thank you for writing this. I’m clumsy with my words, but you aptly described the range of thoughts I’ve been thinking. I just wanted to express my gratitude for this piece, because it soothed some of the shame I feel about these thoughts.
You’re welcome! So glad you found it helpful. I hope you get the help you need to get past these thoughts.
Hi. I have no one to tell this to. And I don’t know how to get help. But this is now even affecting my focus on my studies and I have exams next week.
Have you considered calling a help hotline, like this one: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org ? It can be great for just finding someone to talk to who can give you some help. Another option is to talk to your parents about it. Is that an option?
I have never been to therapy so idk whether im depressed but as far as i know i’ve felt like idw to exist every single day and it sucks.
I REALLY love therapy and psychiatric meds as a solution to this. I’ve never found anything that works better than those two in combination. You should definitely check them out.
Hi!
My name is Alexandra and I have truly loved your post. There is so many people who cannot understand what am I going through. I don’t want to die, I just don’t want to exist.
I’m cursing a Psychology degree. This is my first year and I am so, so sleepy and without any motivation, I cannot concentrate nor stop crying.
I called my doctor and I am taking medication. I have started 2 days ago.
I don’t know if I should quit and wait for the treatment to do its job or keep on going even though I’d probably fail the exams.
Hi Alexandra, thank you for commenting. I’m so sorry you have to go through this while trying to get through school. I totally get it and had a very similar experience when I was in school.
I can’t tell you what to do, but I can say that my medication took a while to kick in. Maybe you can talk to your teachers and see if you can get an extension on your exams? I’m sure they’d be understanding, and it wouldn’t hurt to ask. Talking to a school counselor would also be a good idea I would think. They might be able to help you get extensions on your classes or allow you to withdraw without hurting your grades since it would be for medical reasons.
Let me know how it turns out. I hope things get better for you.
Sad, I’m just a kid. I’m experiencing emotional abuse/neglect. I’ve been reading suicidal books to find a peaceful way out. The problem is, I still want to live. I hate my life.
I assume it’s your parents that are abusing you. Can you get help? Have you tried this? https://www.childhelp.org/childhelp-hotline/ They exist to help people just like you. You don’t have to go through this alone. Get help. Suicide is a permanent solution to what is often a temporary problem.
I played the medication game for 25 years – on one med, adding another, switching to something brand new, adding a combo med…and on and on and on. I actually believed in the possibility that someday, I’ll find the right medication(s) and will TRULY (sans the placebo effect that our minds produce out of desperation, hope & blind belief) feel better as a result. That never really happened and the meds often made things even worse. I’ve sworn off ALL head meds for the last four years. I still probably spend more of my breathing moments in a general state of depression – often to the point of unending and unrelenting thoughts of suicide, like I am having at this very moment.
But that’s just my life, which is mostly joyless, with an occasional glimmer of true positive energy (rather than me just faking it as I do so well – I’m one of those “smiling depressives” that preaches the power of positive thinking) Head meds don’t work. They’re nothing more than the result of creative marketing schemes between head doctors and greedy pharmaceutical companies. Aside from that placebo effect, which is a wave of relief that you may be able to ride for a while, head meds are useless. There’s no effective cure or treatment for chronic depression. About all that I’ve found that’s useful in pushing away the dark moods is change of habit. And that only lasts for so long…before that dark cloud comes seeping in again. Effective treatment for this condition is hopelessly absent.
Thank you for commenting and sharing your experience. I’m sorry that you’ve struggled with medication—it’s very common. Have you ever tried other methods for treatment-resistant depression, like ketamine therapy?
I tried ketamine therapy, but it felt like a backyard gimmick… another money grab. A rookie nurse would make me spray the ketamine up my nose… then play on her laptop for 2 hours l while I sat in the chair, and send me home. The ketamine made my anxiety 10 times worse. I went for 3 sessions, and the very rude psychiatrist terminated the treatment and put me on Trintellix. He then told me to find another psychiatrist, because he was at max capacity and only accepted me as a “patient” because of the ketamine treatment. The Trintellix was horrible as well. It increased my suicidal thoughts and was of no help at all. Depression sucks.
Yeah depression is an awful burden. It sucks everything out of your life. I take Pristiq 100mg, Lamictal 400mg, Buspar 10mg, and Abilify 10mg. I know these doses are pretty high, but that’s what’s worked for me.
Thanks for the information Adam. It’s very much appreciated 👍
Welcome!
So I’ve been on lamictal for years and buspar, also bupropion. I’ve have always just gone through life pretending to be happy and I’ve gotten pretty damn good with it. To the point my doctor finds it hard to believe that I’m such an angry depressed person. I work in the healthcare field and all day I have to put a fake smile on and care tend to others needs and I can’t even tend to my own. By no means do I was to commit suicide. I’ve just gotten engaged have a cute pup and want to start a family but everyday I’m finding it harder and harder to cope with life. Now with the pandemic I really cannot Find any help. I’m getting down to the last straw. I self
Medicare with my vyvanse and clonazapam to just get through the day and then knock myself out to sleep for hours. I need help. No one notices because I’m so good at hiding it it comes naturally now. I also feel that stigma especially if I were to tell my boss I needed “time” aka hospitalization because he won’t understand.
I hope you find the courage to ask for help.
I don’t know if it’s necessarily, that I don’t want to exist, it’s more like I just don’t care if I were to die tomorrow??
Yeah I hear that. I felt like I had nothing to live for for so long, it was like, okay, so I die, so what? It’s a bit different than not wanting to exist or wanting to die. It’s somewhere before that I think, like a “lighter” level of depression, if that makes sense.
wow this shows how i really feel like i dont want to die but i dont want to exist but i don’t want help i have tried many times it doesn’t work becauase i will not talk to them what do i do
So I have to ask—why won’t you talk to them? That seems like it might help. I’ve gotten the most help from talking to therapists and psychiatrists so that we could work together to find a solution to my mental health issues. Maybe talking will help you. I’d highly recommend it.
I am a black teenager who comes from a place where mental health is basically non-existent, I have always not wanted to exist not wanting to take decisions not wanting to be good or bad I just don’t want to be here but some dude made that decision for me and I feel like a selfish bitch because there is a lot of people who would kill to be in my position. Honestly, I am tired of thinking and feeling.
I totally understand. Is it possible for you to get to a psychiatrist or a therapist who can help? You’re not selfish—you’re just hurting.
I know you will think that I’m stupid and silly, but I think I don’t want to exist sometimes, I want to kill myself sometimes and I want to die sometimes
I don’t think that’s silly at all. I hope you get the help you need.
Thank you so much for this you have put my feelings into words
You’re welcome!
Again another amazing post. There is that huge difference and a lot of times some therapist mistaken it. Then they shove you into 24 hour surveillance and this and that. Just makes it worse. Wanting to disappear is absolutely diff than being suicidal. I feel what you wrote here needs to be seen by everyone. To mix those two up is deadly literally. I’ve also been in both and unsuccessful in the latter. I don’t think it pills etc is being a coward. That’s what I attempted. It’s knowing that it prob won’t kill you but you still attempted it. I remember shooting up just non stop and hoping i’ll pass out. When I did and woke up I almost laughed. I mean it’s not funny but I really didn’t want to leave what I have. Even if it’s horrible. There’s still things keeping me here. Then there’s being scared of the unknown. What happens when you die. Does it feel like a deep sleep.
I think finding the right psychiatrist etc is important too. Right now the health care system here really limits me. To the point where I just don’t even want to try to find one. I know I’m not going to ask for help from my parents because I just can’t. I’m 34 years old. The medications I’m on are the same ones I’ve been on since I was 15… a lil higher dosage. I have tried others but this combo seems to keep me sane and numb. So then I supplement what’s missing with drugs. It’s an endless deadly cycle. Do you mind if I share this link around. I feel more people need to read this
Yes please share it! I’ve struggled a lot with people not understanding the gradations for all this stuff. I’ve made the mistake myself with some people. It helped me to get it all written out to see, oh yeah, this is why there’s such a huge difference in all this stuff. Normal people will never get that.
I’ve tried medication but the side effects are brutal for me. It was strange – I was on lexapro (various doses) and it only worked for a short period. It was like – the wishing for death was temporarily replaced with dealing with the physical symptoms of the meds, and once I adjusted all the negative thinking came back.
Therapy is ‘helpful’ – it’s strange but I literally cannot imagine what I meant when I thought that, as I went through it. I’m pretty depressed at the moment, and anything ‘good’ is just an abstraction that’s out of reach for my mind.
It’s a trip – but I literally cannot imagine anything positive.
I’m afraid to try meds again. I’m alone, basically isolated for months and months, and I don’t think I can go through that right now. I know I can’t – I wouldn’t be able to stick with the constant discomfort.
I also spent all my money on therapy, which is so absurdly expensive – it feels less like treatment and more like the coup de grace.
I honestly regret having gone to therapy to aggressively – my depression has a lot of underlying traumatic causes and the therapy just let me know how/why I’m doomed, didn’t actually do anything constructive for me.
I don’t know where I’m going with all this…I should be working but I can’t focus on anything. Ughhhhh…
I’m sorry to hear that you’re suffering. You might need some of the more aggressive treatments, like ECT or ketamine treatments. Some people have had remarkable results from those. Have you considered anything like that?
I just wanted to say I agree with trying ECT. When I was at my worst I had a few sessions of ECT and it really did help. It stopped my thoughts of suicide.
Hi Adrian. In my opinion, based on my experience, your fear of meds is justified. I tried 9 different meds over 18 months to help me with suicidal depression and anxiety after a life altering event happened in my mid 50s. They made thinking difficult, they made emotional bonding with my loving family difficult. They increased my anxiety. I believe they pushed me to the brink of suicide on dozens of occasions. I feel they have altered my mind, my personality, cognitive abilities, and my body. I never took meds before, and I have never been treated for depression or anxiety before. I was a very health individual – no bad habits/addictions. Now I also have PSSD since being off of the meds for over 15 months. Google PSSD and have a look at the ourbodiesourselves.org website, for real people’s experience with PSSD. None of my doctors/psychiatrists warned me about PSSD. Pharma companies are starting to put a warning in their product monographs for PSSD as a possible side effect after discontinuing SSRIs and SNRIs. Adam has had a good experience with meds, and that’s OK. I just want you to be aware that ADs come with the potential of serious side effects – and the doctors won’t tell you about all of them. I also considered Ketamine, and ECT, as I have barely been hanging on the last 2.75 years. Ketamine, couldn’t do it because of my previous med experience – and wondering how getting high on ketamine is a solution to anything? ECT, I couldn’t try it either, after reading about memory loss; at least my psychiatrist said he has seen memory loss from ECT in some of his patients. I appreciated his honesty. My GP simplified ECT by saying there was no risk, and it was like rebooting a computer. Again, others have been helped by ECT, so don’t dismiss it either. With regards to therapy, find someone you can talk to. It must make a difference. Switch ’em up if you don’t connect. Like many on this blog, feel like if I could just cash out, naturally, I would. The prospect of how suicide would affect my wife and kids has kept me alive so far. I’m not religious, but I pray every day for the strength to make it through another day. To somehow get stronger. I am out of work because of my depression/anxiety, which makes things very difficult. I used to be a high functioning white collar worker. Now I have trouble making the simplest of decisions. I blame the meds for this too. That may not be justified, but in my mind it is my experience. I really like Adam’s honesty in his posts. Very refreshing. It’s the first no-nonsense commentary on dealing with depression and anxiety that I’ve read, and there are things that work for some, while not others. Staying vertical is freakin’ hard at times. Do what you need to cope. For me, I’m on the computer all day. It’s not great, but so far I’m still alive. Consider everything that might help you, and take care of what you have. My thoughts are with you. Adam/others, thank you for being honest, sharing what has worked for you, and open to everyone’s perspective. Any words of wisdom you can impart for me would be greatly appreciated. I’m really stuck. Thanks.
I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. I wish I had wisdom to share with you. All I’ve ever done, if I’m being really honest, is to hang on. With each suicide attempt, and the feeling of failure that came with it, I would feel even more directionless than before. Things are better today—some days are worse than others—but hanging on means that I was here to start this blog, which is one of the few things that remind me that life is worth living sometimes—because I can help. Maybe if I keep hanging on, things will get better. That’s what I tell myself when things are bad, and it’s been true so far. Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you find what you need.
Thanks Adam. I don’t know why I can’t muster up my will to live. This isn’t me.
I understand. A lot of this just doesn’t make sense. Our brains are fucked.
This explains exactly how I feel everyday. Thanks for helping me not feel so alone.
You’re welcome. You’re absolutely not alone.
I needed this right now, thank you.
You’re welcome! I’m glad it helped.
This is exactly how I feel, and I can’t explain it to those close to me because they’d freak out and think I’m suicidal. I don’t want to kill myself. I simply want to cease to exist. If I would die tomorrow in an accident, or from sickness, I’d be okay with that. My family would miss me, but they’d be able to go on eventually. Ceasing to exist would feel comforting and warm to me. I’ve shared this with my therapist and we’re watching it, and he believes me when I say there’s no way I’m taking my own life. Life is draining and unfulfilled. Thanks for making me feel not so crazy.
You’re very welcome. You’re not alone.
This is a great post. You really nailed what it’s like to live with different levels of depression.
I am 70 years old. I have been dealing with depression and bipolar disorder since my early 30s. I’ve been on various medications with various levels of success, different forms of therapies with various levels of success, and both support and scorn from family and friends. It hasn’t been easy. But, after 40 years, I would say that I’ve successfully managing it.
I have learned that, even with all the medications, therapies, and support you have under your belt, you are never really “cured” of depression. It’s always lurking, waiting for you to have a bad day when it can come sneaking back. The right medications and therapy can, however, give you ammunition and strategies to fight back against it.
That I’m here on this site illustrates what I mean. This morning I’ve been depressed, crying, and feeling like a worthless sack of sh** that doesn’t deserve to live. So I did what I always do when I feel like this – I start looking for websites, blogs, and posts written by people who also feel this way from time to time. And here I am!
I find it encouraging that there are so many others that struggle with depression and successfully make it through another day, another week, another year.
Keep up the good work!
Peace
Thank you so much for your kind words. I feel exactly the same way. Depression is something that can be a struggle, sometimes daily, sometimes hourly, and medication/therapy/coping mechanisms can only do so much—sometimes, the depression is just overwhelming, as you’ve described.
You’re not alone.
I really needed to hear that. Congrats for reaching 70 with depression. That in itself is to me AMAZING.
Hi uhm so uhh sorry for bothering. It’s just that I’ve used multiple suicide attempts and I just won’t die. I don’t know what to do anymore. Even dying isn’t even a choice. And everytime I have the courage to seek for help from my fam and friends, my brain would tell me that I’m just doing it for attention. Add the fact that I’ve been using comedy as a coping mechanism even though this makes nobody take me seriously and that everything is just fine when my life is actually an emotional shitstorm. Or that maybe it’s all just a phase and part of teen angst (I’m 15 btw). I just wanna say that reading this makes me feel a little bit better. Thank you for making me feel less alone. I hope you’re doing great.
I’m sorry to hear of your struggles. You’re not bothering by writing. You can always come here to talk if you need to. I’m glad that this helped you a little. I really want to encourage you to seek help from your family and friends. I think that would be a really good idea.
Thanks for this article. I am 26 now. Never thought I’d make it past 18. I was suicidal ever since I was a child. And still am. As it says I don’t want to exist. I wish I was never born. I still do. And I went through actively wanting to die to wishing for death. And still do to this very day. Everyday. I haven’t seek medical help. It is not a matter of pride.This might off as obnoxious but now more than ever I feel like I lived it’s enough and just stay here because I don’t want the people who care about me getting sad. I have accepted that the emptiness I feel cannot be filled. It’s not even about being sad or in despair at this point. Can’t kind of explain the difference from what I feel to what you write but yeah I’d be lying if I were to say that even for a while this article did not make me kinda less alone only because someone by his own means is going through a similar thing. I m glad it got better for you. And I know it can for many out there. And that’s good enough.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I totally understand how you feel. Maybe you should try seeking medical help? It worked wonders for me.
Hi thanks for your post. I have been feeling this way since my earliest memories. I don’t want to be here. I had no choice to be here. I don’t want to kill myself as I don’t want to hurt the people who love me, it never stops. It never goes away. I now 47 years old, this is the first time I have ever spoken out about my mental state. I have never spoken with professional people, doctor or therapist or psychological professional. I have never felt happiness or even have any emotions at all. It just a black hole that I cannot escape from. The only thing that keeps me going is knowing that one day I will get my wish and I will no longer be here. I don’t want to get involved in the monotony of everyday life. I don’t want to take medication. As I fear this will just prolong the agony of being here. I just want it all to go away now. I have read the comments to your post and seems there are many if us the same. But they talk about wanting a normal life. I personally don’t want to live. Like I said I had no choice about being here, I never asked to be here, and it’s not a new feeling I have felt this way since I was a small child maybe three years old. If I ask for help the will mask the problem with medication and therapy, to make me forget .I just want to share with you thanks for reading
Thank you for reading. You’re not alone. I hope you consider getting help some day. It can make a huge difference.
I found your article when I was googling for “ how to die peacefully “. Your article describes how I feel currently-not wanting to exist. I’m emotionally exhausted. Very very very tired and alone . Just want to sleep and not wake up tomorrow. Glad that you find your way out depression.
I’m so sorry to hear that you’re struggling. You’re not alone. There are millions of us out there who understand how you feel. I hope that you find the help you need.
I dont want to go into medication realm.. its gonna be a fucked up new journey and i just cant deal with new levels of complexity in my life…. I cant even tell if i dont want to exist or if i want to die.. i just dont want myself….
I totally understand. The medication road was long and difficult for me. I urge you to try nevertheless. It’s worth it to like being yourself.
I am just lost. Which ended my marriage and now my relationship with my girlfriend. I just had a baby girl and this deep depression keeps rearing it’s ugly head. My girlfriend doesn’t know how bad it is. Often she uses things that I have told her in confidence against me. I don’t think I want to continue this road.
Are you going to a psychiatrist? It sounds like you need professional help. I hope you get the help you need.
It’s bemusing to me the arrogance of man that not wanting to exist MUST be something wrong with your brain chemistry…because obviously being human in this horrendous train crash of a world is the.best.thing.ever. Didn’t ask to be here, don’t want to be here, can’t get out of here.🙄
I’ve been feeling so awful since August of 2020. I’ve always had depressive symptoms and really bad anxiety but a combination of events that made me feel like I ruined different aspects of my life have really been making it hard lately. I’m 25 and still live with a parent and the other parent’s spouse has issues with my sibling and myself. Life seems awful and my virtual college experience has definitely added a level to the dissassociating. I have legitimately cried myself to sleep countless times these past 10 months and its honestly just so much to unpack but I wish there was a permanent solution to fix me and either make me go away or make me happy again. -_______________________-
What if you radically accept that you have pain and that’s okay but still really don’t want to exist. I have a really good life now. Amazing friends and family a good job, no stressor. I’m just ready to go.
I told my mom that I didn’t want to exist and she thought that I was suicidal. She told my therapist and I had a whole lesson on why I shouldn’t, and they didn’t believe me that I wouldn’t k*ll myself. It felt very condescending because it made me feel like they were talking down to me. I love my family and would never k*ll myself because of them, so it hurt when they just assumed I would. Thank you for writing this and showing me that there are other people who feel the way I do.
You’re very welcome. I’m glad you found it helpful.
Unconsciousness is bliss? What a joke. Leaving here brings me to a place where things are even worse. I was at a point where after months of crying the pain in my brain was so severe I could not cry anymore, then I started crying in my sleep. All the same things are there except that even though I am fully aware of my actions it is as if I am in a place where reality does not work, the rules are different, like I am disabled by my environment. There is no sleep just an extended hell.
that sounds awful im so sorry
I’m gonna be blunt here…if someone for instance drinks alcohol to cope, it is often even less damaging than someone using pharmaceutical medications to cope.
Personally I’ve suffered from “not wanting to exist syndrome” for quite some time, there isn’t anything that helps, but I do know medications ALWAYS make things worse.
People need to understand, medications are functionally always toxic, often quite specifically designed for certain kinds of toxic effects (there’s a reason so many “medicines” contain ABSOLUTELY NON-BENEFICIAL/NON-ESSENTIAL fluorine, and chlorine, for instance…just like there’s a reason why it’s so enormously prevalent in society, in spite of iodine…despite massive iodine deficiencies and no biological benefit for that extra fluorine and chlorine).
I mean, I don’t use opium. But I’d honestly rather use opium (that I prepare) rather than ANY pharma.
I mean, I have zero faith, belief in society, “people” or this world. Nil. I know that can’t be regained, so.
Personally, I’m thinking of NO..
I believe that Jesus is god and throughout the pain I’ve dealt with in life spiritually wanting to not exist in my life or let alone wanting to die Is only because this demonically possessed realm of earth governments bombards our own hidden shakras body mind and souls protection from the forces of darkness upon the world in order to stay alive and safe we must constantly battle the pricapalitys of darkness them constellations are evil
I just want to fade. Just gone without everything else. I have been showed that I don’t matter. People ask but don’t care. Parents ask but don’t care. I just exist. Just take up space. No one will actually care. They will make it about them. How if I just would have SPELLED IT OUT FOR THEM EXPLICITLY THEY WOULD HAVE DONE FUCKING SOMETHING!! No they wouldn’t have. They would have just ignored it because it didn’t “fit” with their concept of reality. What do you do when you don’t want to exist but you don’t just end it? Better yet you have a partner who would rather see you burn than see you better.
Emotional scale is a good way to put it.
Not wanting to exist causes high emotions, pain, regret, shame and a deep empty feeling.
Wanting to die is like, I don’t care, curious, numb and from what I’ve seen in a lot of people – pure anger.
Though I didn’t have anger. I had peace. I had a choice and I chose to stay. Contemplated running my car into a wall or off a bridge but didn’t. Those little tiny glimpse of happiness that occurred after was worth it. 🤷🏻♀️
I didn’t mess up anyone’s life I guess.
I hope anyone reading this chooses to keep trying too. That’s the hardest part right? Tired. In your chest, body and spirit. Emotions and exhaustion pass and one day we wake up and it’s not as bad as the last somehow – we just keep going from there. All the hurt, pain, baggage, negative life experiences make us stronger, sweeter and more gentle. We notice the small things in life like a rain drop or sun setting. The breeze in the trees or how amazing flowers smell. We recognize pain in others, we help or hold a hand when needed – not because our life is perfect but because we’ve been there and somehow most of us get through it. Thanks for being a hand that held on to me tonight when I was feeling so empty. It’s nice to know I’m not alone.
You’re very welcome. You’re absolutely not alone.
I am not suicidal. People do not understand that. I will never commit suicide because of my convictions. I ruined my life and the abuse and pain I suffered as a kid has made life unbearable. I just feel like I’ve done everything in my life that I was supposed to. I’ve fulfilled my destiny of being a failure and I’m done. I pray every night for God to take me. My health isnt good, I have no family, I’ve never been married or had children. I’m a 51 year old virgin. I’m fat and I cant stand up or walk much. I will never kill myself but yes, I want to die. I no longer have purpose in this life except for becoming a bigger failure. No one can give me a reason to stay alive except to say they would miss me. But they dont call or come around. They dont understand what I’m going through. They have written me off as a failure and think I should have to live with that failure for the next 30 years or so. I’m done in. Finished. I’m not suicidal but I dont want to live.
I completely understand. I used to feel the exact same way.
I think about how life would be if i wasn’t here
The whole not wanting to exist thing…I get that completely. It’s been a rough few years for me, the last year in particular which doesn’t help the depression I already have anyway. I’ve tried now three types of antidepressants..1st and 2nd made me severely depressed to the point I actually wanted to end it. But I knew that was the meds talking…the last one made me super anemic and was making some of my hair come out. Which I’m already have issues with due to having multiple cranial surgeries. I would never do anything to hurt myself. But I can’t keep living like this. And I’m scared to try another antidepressant at this point. I’m glad this is here to help people in my case at least realize I’m in alone in feeling this way, though I hate that others do at the same time.
I feel more of not having been born in the first place, that way I’d have no regrets in my life as there’s nothing to regret. I’ve been wanting to take my life for a few years now but I just know I’m too cowardly to do so. My life will get better over time, but for me it’s just not worth it
Hello,
What is the right medication for you? Maybe it’ll work for me, because you basically just summarized my life.
Thanks,
Yannick
Thanks for your post. I wake up most days feeling like I don’t want to exist and wishing I could sleep more. I have a meditation practice which helps me immensely, I recommend anyone with depression try meditation. And there are different practices, so you can try more than one and find one that works for you. After I do my meditation I generally feel better to move through the day. I usually cry a lot during meditation, which is not the usual picture of peaceful meditation, but it helps me move through the sadness that can weigh me down. I feel more grounded and remember that I am loved. I’ve always thought that one day the depression will go away, but I’m starting to accept that it might not. It’s a challenge you learn to live with (hopefully). I truly have no desire to die, despite my thoughts of not wanting to exist. The other things that help me are exercising daily (find a form of exercise you enjoy!), eating healthy, spending time with children, and spending time with friends (sometimes it seems like a lot of work to make and maintain friendships, but it’s worth it).
thanks for the post. i’m a bit late but i’m glad i found this, to know that other people feel this way too. i’ve been feeling like this my entire life and i only just turned eighteen. it feels wrong to feel the way i do cause i’ve always had everything i needed. my parents love me. i struggle with social stuff but i have friends that i cherish. everyone says this is just temporary but it’s been temporary for too long. the only thing keeping me back is guilt to be honest, and that sucks. existing is so stressful and i enjoy none of it. everytime i think i’m doing better, and that one day i’m gonna feel the way i used to when i was a child, it all comes back so suddenly and i’m at the pit again. i can’t even remember when it began, it’s just been this way. it’s so exhausting fighting everyday just to return to where i started, sometimes even lower. i read about these things a lot but i can never find out why i feel like this, i just know for sure now that something isn’t right. i’m sorry for the rant. i’ve never talked or write about it before. but thanks for the post. i hope it gets better
I also prefer not to exist.
After 25 years of practicing Transcendental Meditation, I have reached a level where I perceive a feeling of non-existence.
That level is an absolute void with a subtle awareness in the background.
Such awareness is remarkably comforting.
Do not discount the fact that some of us prefer that perception of non-existence.
Non-existence can be a wonderful feeling and with practice it can be attained daily.
Take it easy on yourself if you seek that feeling. Nothing wrong with that.
Instead, explore it and find that subtle awareness that is behind non-existence.
Once you discover it, your life will be so much better.
You will gain a perspective that will help alleviate all your troubles.
Since childhood I had an interest in physical relaxation and meditation.
Once a person achieves the ability to relax the body absolutely and at will, it leads to a higher level of meditation.
Those two practices have help me with sports and my career.
They have make me very resilient physically and mentally.
I extrapolate that the natural consequence of habitual physical relaxation and meditation leads to the feeling of non-existence.
And that, without a doubt, is a desirable outcome.
Thank you for your article.
It is very hard to find similar articles.
Thanks.
Thank you so much for reading and for sharing this interesting and enlightening perspective!
I’m grateful for this , I’ve never found anything that explained how i felt before. I could never be able to put it into words.
I’m 15 and i want tips to stop the constant pain . I financially can’t go to therapy, the doctor or get medication but if i could get advice it would help a lot
The best tips I have for natural ways to deal with depression are here: https://adamfout.com/how-to-deal-with-depression/
I’m all of these in different stages. I too.have failed at suicide I have come to the conclusion that I’m not meant to die yet but I. Will not fight for my life or avoid dangerous situations because I secretly hope I’ll die from things not directly related to me . My life is fine I’m just tired I don’t care anymore I can’t do it myself I feel like that’s expected from me . I can’t talk to people they have all heard it before I feel like a stupid burden it’s so dumb fuck sobriety fuck God fuck all those fake high horses I hate that shit so annoying lol it’s nice to see people feeling the way I do completely numb to the world
Best description ever! Thank you.
Been dealing with this for almost 30 yrs, have tried every med, therapy, ECT (don’t do that!), been hospitalized & have failed at suicide a couple times.
I don’t belong here. Can I just please go? Why do I have to live in pergatory every freaking day?
Presently in virtual intensive outpatient therapy 3x’s a week and it’s making me feel worse. I’m afraid to go to ER to get into mental hospital. Why is that the only way? If I’m not turned away because all the rooms are full due to Covid, I’ll be locked in a room for unknown # of hours then maybe transfered to mh facility. Too much trauma when I’m already stepping over the edge. I’m afraid I’ll cause a problem and it will end up a “suicide by cop”… which would actually be ok but that’s not why I’m going there damn it.
Welcome! I hope this helped. I know so many of the answers don’t work for so many people. I hope you find what you’re looking for.
I can relate to what you are saying. Why do we have to suffer like this? The level of therapy/meds/etc might help some, but what do we do when it doesn’t help us? I’m so tired of going to emerg, I have given up. They take your temperature, blood pressure, ask if you have a plan, then send you home. If they keep you overnight or longer, you’re subjected to lame internet-style questions from psychiatrists who have little more to offer than ect, ketamine, meds, or condescending b.s. like ‘what would you tell your friend to do?’ . Yikes! When you’re an adult, you need something else. I don’t know what that is, but wow, do we need it. For what it’s worth, I pray we will find peace, whatever that looks like. Take care.
Thanks so much for your story. I truly thought It was me that was the only person who felt that way. I shared your link with my partner as it’s exactly how I feel but just couldn’t explain it. Things are great all around me but I don’t want to exist. Thanks again!!
Wow! I wished I read this article sooner. Some life you’ve got through. I wish I can understand you more because I can’t understand myself either. And I am left with nobody to talk about I’m just left alone suffering my own distress. I’ve been strong for decades, surviving the dark place called School filled with educated people called bullies. But after thise are gone somehow the pain I’m carrying throughout adulthood won’t stop there. It still exists within me.
I’m sorry to hear that you’re still struggling. I got bullied a lot when I was in school too. It sticks with you.
thank you so much for this post. I am just bit relieved to know I am not alone and there are some people here like you guys who will not judge me trying to get attention for this feeling i have been having for the last 20 years.
Hi Adam,
Your story and message through this article was emotional for me… I have been battling with anxiety & depression for so long, I am not sure what kind of depression I have or how severe it is..??? I have never been diagnosed. In addition to those complex mental issues/symptoms (this is why it is hard to understand these issues), I have had to endure so much trauma and abuse being reared from a Single-parent household. My Father was never there. My Mother has always conveyed my facial features and a few characteristic traits represent him, so I have always deemed resentment from her since her and my father got a Divorce when I was 3 years old. Also, being a highly-emotional, scared kid growing up I internalized so much that caused so much confusion. I did not know how to expressed what was going on inside me being that young. Everyday I wake up it was as if my life was like a light switch. For example, my home life and the environment I had to live in always was toxic, but when I stepped outside my home and lets say, entered into the school environment I could be myself, learn new things, and find my confidence in a way. This has been going on all up until I graduated high school. I did not know what I wanted to or be in life to transition to a good college program. I was having a hard time! No one knew or could understand what I was dealing with even though before I went off to college I had some tremendous joyous moments in life…. When I decided to go off to college to experience what it would be like to be on-campus it was never about self-discovery, I wanted to ESCAPE EVERYTHING!!!
After I graduated from 5.5 GREAT years being in the college atmosphere and being on my own was a huge achievement from me, but then again, I was dreading moving back home to where I had 3 anxiety/panic attacks in one week a month before I graduated. Now, that I am back home I have been deeply depressed for months. Slowly moving out of the depressed months and finding my way while being consistent, 3 weeks ago my grandmother passed away…….
I have always had a strong faith and belief in Jesus Christ. Being devoted and asking, seeking, knocking more now in this season of my life. Lately, I have not been able to do it. IDK, what is wrong with me and I feel like no one truly cares for me. I feel so alone, I have no true space to be by myself. I do not know where I can have confidence too. I’ve been suicidal, I have also wanted to die many times, now I just do not want to exist right now………..
I am going through so much.
Please pray for me.
Tara
I’m so glad you found this article helpful. I will absolutely pray for you. I hope that you are able to get where you need to be. It sounds like moving out of your home as soon as you can and getting your own place might help a lot. I hope you’re able to find a career that allows you to do that.
Hey Adam,
My name is David and I’m currently 20 years old. I’ve dealt with severe depression for years now, and have reached the point where I just feel empty. Like you, I have had unsuccessful suicide attempts, and cannot just put a bullet in my head to end my life. But every thing has become so mundane. Long gone is enjoyment in any activity I do. No longer do I feel a sense of purpose, no matter what steps I take to find one. I want my life to end, but cannot take the measures to do so myself. And I think the worst part about it is that I no longer care. The value of life has diminished significantly, and I am unsure how to get that back, or why It should even be a goal. If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated.
Also, I want to clarify that I understand that things will get better. That eventually life will turn back around and that I should want to look forward to that. How do you manage to hold onto this though? When you no longer wish to exist, how do you find solace in that ideology?
Thank you so much for writing this article and impacting others with your touching story. I hope you are doing well.
Hey David, thanks for commenting. I can tell you that I honestly don’t know how to hang on that idea that life will get better. In the moment, it seems impossible sometimes. I’m currently struggling again. I know that things will get better, but it doesn’t seem that way today. I think what keeps me going is stuff like this. Trying to help other people. Your comment lifted me up today because it reminded me that I’m not alone, that at least we are all suffering in this thing together. It also helps me to stay close to my psychiatrist and make sure I’m taking my meds the way I’m supposed to, but that can only go so far. I just try to get through each day and hope that the next day will get a little better.