It’s Not That I Want to Die | It’s That I Don’t Want to Exist

“I don’t want to exist,” is so much different from “I want to die,” and actually being suicidal, but normal people… well, they’ll just never get it.

Depression is a bitch, and I’ve suffered from it my whole life.

It’s hard to explain to someone who’s never suffered from it. It’s hard to explain the difference between being depressed and being suicidal.

It’s even harder to explain clinical depression (major depressive disorder) to someone who has experienced situational depression (like how you feel after losing a loved one or a job).

This can be even more difficult when you’re dealing with someone who has been depressed while drinking or getting high, only to suddenly have the depression lifted once they get sober.

There’s a huge difference between wanting to die, wanting to kill myself, and just wanting to not exist. In my experience, these are different levels of depression.

Thankfully, I’ve found freedom from depression through medication. The 12 Steps are nice and all, and they keep me sober, but I suffered from deep depression and suicidal thoughts since I was a child—this is clinical depression that only medication can address (usually).

The lowest level (which is still a completely miserable way to feel) is not wanting to exist.

I Just Don’t Want to Exist

The first level of depression has nothing to do with actually dying. It’s not wishing for death.

It’s wishing for the pain to stop.

And every day, the pain goes away for a short amount of time—when we’re asleep.

Unconsciousness is bliss to someone who finds the waking world miserable. It’s a lack of existence, especially if you don’t dream.

Just because I don’t want to exist doesn’t mean I actually want to die. It usually means (even if I don’t know it) that I just don’t want to exist the way I’m existing right now.

For someone with clinical depression, life can look good or bad on the outside, but it doesn’t matter what life looks like—inside, we are deeply sad.

There’s no reason for it other than some dumbass neurotransmitters in our skulls doing shit they shouldn’t be doing.

This is why you see many successful people commit suicide despite having lives most of us dream of.

People like Philip Seymour Hoffman and Chester Bennington had lives many people would literally kill for, and yet they killed themselves.

Why?

Because exterior circumstances cannot fix the little molecules in my brain that won’t act right.

To fix this, many of us will self-medicate, which rarely actually fixes the problem.

Incidentally, drinking to blackout or shooting opiates until you pass out is another form of non-existence that has nothing to do with death.

That’s one reason drugs like these can be so enticing to someone with clinical depression, though often that just makes things worse.

When you feel this way, it doesn’t matter what your life actually looks like, but death doesn’t necessarily seem like the answer, or even something you’d want.

I’ve talked to many people who just didn’t want to exist because the pain was too intense, but who would never kill themselves for a variety of reasons.

For many, they loved their family and friends, and they would never want to leave them. They would never want to actually die.

They really didn’t want to feel the way they were feeling right now. They wanted to escape existence. They wanted to feel better, and since that wasn’t happening, they wanted to escape the pain.

This is part of the reason I would sleep for 12+ hours a day in my depression. I just didn’t want to be in the world, just like someone with chronic pain only wants the pain to go away.

They might commit suicide because the pain won’t go away, but if the pain actually stopped, they’d be happy to live.

I’ve been deeply depressed in sobriety and still very much wanted to live, but I’d lose myself in activities that let me escape the world, whether that be work, hobbies, writing, TV, or video games—all forms of escape, which is to say, forms of getting out of my head and forgetting my own existence.

What’s much different is actually wanting to die.

I Want to Die

Wanting to die is a lot different from wanting to not exist.

The difference is that I don’t care if the pain stops or not—I still don’t want to be alive.

This is a deeper level of despair where I see nothing good in my life, and I don’t see any way for things to ever get better except through death.

Now this is different from actually being suicidal. Being suicidal means I want to cause my death.

Wanting to die usually means I’m just praying for death to happen to me through no fault of my own.

Remember when I said many people who don’t want to exist still love their families and friends? This is often one of the reasons people who want to die haven’t gotten to the stage of being suicidal yet.

When I wanted to die but wasn’t yet suicidal, I would pray for things like plane crashes that happened to hit my house. I would hope a drunk driver would hit me. I would wish for death to come to me somehow so that I could leave this world without hurting those I love.

Now what if the depression were lifted? Would I still want to die? The answer is probably yes—life was shitty for me for a long time, and I didn’t see any point in trying to stay alive.

I was convinced by 25 that my life was permanently ruined. It wouldn’t matter if I was happy because I had no job, lots of legal issues, lived with my parents, and generally had a life that looked permanently bad.

Did I want to actually take my own life? Not at that time.

But I did a year before that.

I Want to Kill Myself

This is what most people think of as depression—they think the person wants to kill themself, and that’s rarely the case.

However, this is (obviously) common. Around 40,000 people kill themselves each year in the US alone.

When I was 24, I had gotten multiple DUIs, and life not only seemed hopeless, but it seemed like something I needed to get out of ASAP.

I was suicidal, which means I was actively seeking ways to kill myself.

I’m a coward, which means I was trying to find the easiest way out that I could.

At the last minute I decided not to go through with it, mostly because my girlfriend at the time knew what I was up to and wouldn’t leave until the feeling went away.

I was too scared of surviving and having an even worse life than I thought I already had.

I still loved my parents at this time. I loved my friends. I loved my girlfriend probably more than anyone because I had become so codependent on her.

But none of this mattered because the mental anguish of depression had combined with circumstance to become overwhelming. I was beyond wishing for death—I was seeking it.

On my second suicide attempt, I took a dosage of a medication I knew would be enough to kill me. At this point, I didn’t even care if I failed—It was time to go.

Fortunately I failed. I’ve always wondered if there’s a version of me in a parallel universe who succeeded. It makes me hope that parallel universes don’t exist.

The difference between the time when I just wanted to die and my two suicide attempts is that I had a plan for the attempts.

I knew how I was going to do it, when I was going to do it, and where I was going to do it.

That’s the big difference between wanting to die and being suicidal—the plan.

It Gets Better

I’m so glad I failed because life eventually did get better, but only through therapy, medication, and not giving up on treatment.

With therapy and treatment, depression can be lifted, but there are definitely people for whom it takes significant work. Treatment-resistant depression is very much a thing, so you shouldn’t feel bad about yourself if you’ve tried a bunch of antidepressants, and they haven’t worked.

I’ve seen some people get really good results from ketamine therapy. I know others who have had success from electroconvulsive therapy (ECT). Sometimes, it takes something far beyond anti-depressants to really get better, and most people need to combine these things with therapy.

It took me 20 years to find the right medication for me. The fact that I survived that long is a miracle. Not everyone makes it.

It’s worth sticking it out though. I hope you can remember a time when life was good, when you were happy. I always wanted to return to my childhood. Even though I was rarely happy then, there were moments where things were good.

Remember those moments. You can get there again.

I know it’s exhausting. I know it sounds awful and impossible.

I know it hurts.

Keep trying. Change medications. Change doses. Change doctors. Try the things that work better for treatment resistant depression. Try whatever it takes to get back to those times.

Because life can feel like that again.

I promise.

It’s worth it.

Related Posts

Subscribe
Notify of
guest
156 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
David
David
2 years ago

Hey Adam,

My name is David and I’m currently 20 years old. I’ve dealt with severe depression for years now, and have reached the point where I just feel empty. Like you, I have had unsuccessful suicide attempts, and cannot just put a bullet in my head to end my life. But every thing has become so mundane. Long gone is enjoyment in any activity I do. No longer do I feel a sense of purpose, no matter what steps I take to find one. I want my life to end, but cannot take the measures to do so myself. And I think the worst part about it is that I no longer care. The value of life has diminished significantly, and I am unsure how to get that back, or why It should even be a goal. If you have any advice it would be greatly appreciated.

Also, I want to clarify that I understand that things will get better. That eventually life will turn back around and that I should want to look forward to that. How do you manage to hold onto this though? When you no longer wish to exist, how do you find solace in that ideology?

Thank you so much for writing this article and impacting others with your touching story. I hope you are doing well.

Christian Footman
Christian Footman
1 year ago
Reply to  Adam Fout

Man all I can say is keep your head up i love you all of you we got this 💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽💪🏽

Courtney
Courtney
3 months ago
Reply to  Adam Fout

I am so grateful to hear your truth. This struggle is real. And its so nice to hear I’m not alone. I recently started to take drugs to make the voices stop and to quit praying for death. But perhaps there’s a better way

ldj993p@gmail.com
ldj993p@gmail.com
2 years ago
Reply to  David

Ive lived 30 years of this. I cant sleep i cant eat without feeling sick, i cant go see a doctor because ive seen a zillion and i feel sock just thinking of seeing one they have never helped.amd only made it worse by lumping people together. I love to live i am a very compassionate person which is why this hirts even worse im a 30 yr pld male. And i hope a plane hits my house. For me its a long term problem for an excruciating and long problem. Fuckk the Australian government.

Jack
Jack
9 months ago
Reply to  David

iv found something that’s incredibly interesting, i think like minded people should try. its not what you think its going to be no matter how much you think you know about it. nn DMT. make it or buy it. hope this helps some one.

Ian
Ian
2 years ago

I rewrote this probably about 3 times looking for the right words so I’m gonna be blunt.
In my opinion my life sucks nothing about it makes me happy there will be moments when i laugh at a joke or get somewhat excited about a gift but nothing hits the same anymore its that feeling of emptiness. I just don’t want to be conscious I want to skip the whole process of life and see where I end up I’m not suicidal and I hope I don’t ever get to a point that dark but sometimes I just don’t want to live any longer I just want everything to face away and not know that it has faded.

Mike Lewis
Mike Lewis
1 year ago
Reply to  Ian

Mate, I’m 57 and I’ve been struggling since I was a teen, just got diagnosed with ADHD. It has turned my world upside down looking back how my life was.
I guess what I am trying to say is, look how old I am, I’m still here but I struggle sometimes everyday. I should be 1 of the happiest people around, I have no debt own everything outright. My home my cars, I have a 3 minute walk to work, great pay, great benefits, and great pension plan. Yet I am so unhappy and there are days I wake up pissed off cause I am still alive.
If you ever need an old fart to talk to I’ve got a good ear for listening, and understanding where you’re coming from. mikelewis966@gmail.com cheers mate🥃

Lilly
2 years ago

I am literally struggling my step-mother hates me and i want to leave so i can be alone but i am only 14 my birth mom gave up on me and gave her rights to my dad i really miss her and my old life but I told about the abuse so i would try for the pain to go away it didn’t it followed me it will never go away i have depression,Ptsd,anxiety and i feel like I can’t control it and it’s making me hate myself I have no friends and no one there for me I just don’t know what to do anymore I pretend to be happy but that’s far from the truth

obama
obama
2 years ago
Reply to  Lilly

SAME!!!!

Thads
Thads
2 years ago

I don’t have a reason to feel the way I do. I have kids and a wife. My relationships with them are good. I don’t have any trauma that I can think of. I just don’t want to wake up. The darkness of true nothing sounds soo peaceful. I just want to be normal, happy even.
I feel empty.

Ben
Ben
2 years ago
Reply to  Thads

I’m in the same boat. I have a good life but I’ve become a real asshole because I hate everyone and everything. I feel like life is pointless and is just full of pain and disappointment. Not sure what to do.

Lemi
Lemi
2 years ago
Reply to  Ben

Ben we need to be patient. My 90 year old non English speaking migrant mother would say that frequently and I thought nothing of it, infact I thought she was a simpleton. Decades later, im only starting to mindfully practice patience in the moments that would normally induce reaction. We dont know if its ‘time’; time to be taken away or time to go away, time to respond or time to act nonchalant. I try to let 10 seconds pass, then 10 minutes, then 10 hours, then 10 days, then 10 years pass etc in PATIENCE. Suddenly what or who was important will be dulled if not forgotten.

Mattias
Mattias
2 years ago

Existentialism?

I don’t want to exist, but I also don’t want to kill myself. I just don’t want to cause other people any problems doing so. Although I sometimes feel like I don’t exist in other people lives. They just don’t seem to remember me being there at all. Not giving any thoughts to what I may need or how I may feel about something. Even though they seeks other people opinions.
That steers me towards: Then why be at all? No one else seems to care, so why should I?
To me not existing means that no one will remember me. Everything I have ever done wouldn’t have happened. Meaning it wouldn’t hurt anyone else.
What worries me is that death seems the closest answer to not exist.
The feeling of emptiness and purposeless of life.
Not being able to enjoy myself, even though I now live quite an ok life. There’s really nothing bad about my life. I’m seemingly just missing emotions. The ability to feel happy. Everything I do has no real meaning or purpose. I don’t feel like doing something just for the sake of doing something.
I’m desperately seeking for that something in life that can give me some meaning.
Every question I have has too many answers. Every answer is always somewhat right. But the answers clash with one another, making them somewhat wrong as well. So I can never be really certain about the answers I give to questions. If someone asks about something then there are infinite answers. And they might as well all be correct. This makes me tend to over elaborate on many things, as every situation has too many different factors to comprehend them all. And that thought makes me feel like I can never give a good or right answer. Theoretically there should be a perfect answer to that specific situation. The human brain just can’t handle all the information that there is. We cannot know everything. If we did we could give the perfect answer, but then again then we wouldn’t need to give an answer. If we knew everything the question wouldn’t exist in the first place.

Life feels like Limbo, uncertainty everywhere. And my brain just cant fathom such a “life”.

For now I’ll keep on ticking away my life, one moment at a time.

anon
anon
1 year ago
Reply to  Mattias

i feel exactly the same way ahaha

EllenG
EllenG
1 year ago
Reply to  Mattias

Everything you said gave my spine and arms a tingling sensation bc I feel exactly the same regarding existence, particularly that one’s existence is constantly being measured by not who you are but what you’ve done like any of it matters. It’s so painful to be so aware of how there’s no point, no reason, no long lasting feeling of peace in this existence (mine). Yet being told to be positive only further proves my point that much more — humans are full of bs were all seeking something that benefits ourselves, first and foremost so saying be positive is just a reflection of what you ideally want to think or wish to do in your own life and that’s to be positive when there are very few events in life for some at least that can be viewed as positive. Such a privileged statement yet the ignorance of it I can’t help but think is blissful and thus enviable

Jacob
Jacob
2 years ago

Hey guys, was just kind of feeling hopeless today. I’ve never been interested in death myself. My feelings of not wanting to exist stems from my religious views. I’m not suicidal at all, but existence as a whole just seems painful and i’m just not happy with so many aspects of myself yet. I want to hope it gets better and that i’m slowly progressing.

It helps a lot to know I’m not the only one who feels this way, so thank you.

Jacob

Amber Unthank
Amber Unthank
2 years ago

What about people who have no one to mourn them if they die?

Who cares about my name?
Who cares about my name?
2 years ago

Dreams/sleeping is not an escape for me….my dreams are almost always horrific nightmares….so I don’t like sleeping. I thought about death and put myself in harms way many times until something happened and I was shown (multiple times) what life is after death (yea I can see your face right now, you think im a nut, but you will see what I mean)…and honestly, it made me even more depressed. It isn’t God or Satan waiting for us….it’s something that makes our life here feel all the more pointless and raises more questions than answers….but regardless of that, my depression is caused mostly because of my past and the actions I took in it. I can not take back the things that I did so I will never be free from my depression, doomed to exist in perpetual suffering in this life and probably the same in the next to be honest.

Last edited 2 years ago by Who cares about my name?
louise
louise
2 years ago

i dont want to die but im too afraid to live

Susan
Susan
2 years ago

Hi my name is Susan and I always feel like I want to not exist. I have Major Depression and it seems like I have had it forever even when I was a small child but now I am much older and it seems like it is deeper, darker and way more intense. I was raised if you commit suicide you go to hell but sometimes I already feel like I am in hell and if I just keep living in the end hopefully I will go to heaven. Sometimes I feel so numb and empty that I just want to disappear and stay that way till either I die or Jesus comes and saves me, I know it sounds crazy but it is true. People and I mean people drive me insane I wished an alien would abduct me and take me to another planet, I see people talk about it and I think where were you and how did you get so lucky? I wished they would come and get me. Sometimes I feel like I am the sane one and everyone around me is crazy and I have to take medication just to cope with people. I have never been addicted to anything in my life so I know it isn’t drugs or alcohol that makes me this way. One more thing depression makes me sick psychically sick, like stomach or headache do other people feel psychically sick or is it just me? Sorry to dump my thoughts here but I googled and it came up so I read on and thought I would comment. No I am not suicidal I just don’t want to exist.

Race Banyon
Race Banyon
1 year ago
Reply to  Susan
Race Banyon
Race Banyon
1 year ago
Reply to  Susan

Take landmark education and let me know how it goes.

Anonymous
Anonymous
9 months ago
Reply to  Susan

I thought I was the only one who got physically sick from depression

Waldo
Waldo
2 years ago

you are wrong

Lost
Lost
2 years ago

Wow you all sound like me, I just see no point anymore. Same old same old and I am just tired of the game. I would prefer to just sleep and not wake up, seems easier I guess. I just get very little enjoyment out of life anymore, but I don’t have a bad life. I have a great husband, two grown boys out in the world, a grandbaby. I am just uninterested in life, it is strange, I have never felt this way really, I have always had drive and ambition but for some reason it’s gone and I just want to stay in bed.

Last edited 2 years ago by Lost
Adamleef
Adamleef
2 years ago

All of us that have the ability to ponder this ‘question’ have great mental ability to think of the other side of our conclusions as well.

I hate being me, I hate being conscious, I hate thinking of all the perspectives that I have learned, I hate that I can hate these things. All these ‘things’ are human things, and I wish my consciousness didn’t exist inside a human atmosphere.

Would we be able to express these words if we didn’t have the human brains and human thoughts and human knowledge and human mind and consciousness, even human thumbs to text this on this blog? No. The answer is NO. Everything we are experiencing is a human experience, and I believe that people like us do not exist inside the human idea.

How is that possible based on what I just said? Idk

This is why I don’t want to exist, because this thought process and this expression of how my unphysical mind works, doesn’t seem to mesh with how the physical human that I am, works. Does this make any sense ??

Who am i without my physical self, yet who am I with this mind trapped inside my physical self….??

I do not want to exist this way. I want to release into pure energy. I want to absorb into the wave lengths of light. I want to expel the taken energy if have procured from this world and become back being one with the balance of the universe. I do not want to think, feel, see, hear, understand, dream, or have any of the neuro connections I have that make it even possible that I can type these words as words from thoughts from my mind…

Existence? No, I just want to be… other than what I am now…

Adamleef
Adamleef
2 years ago

‘Why’ is the answer.

Because you can ask ‘why’ you have the purpose to always ask it and always seek the next conclusion that starts over with ‘why’. It never ends, but that may be your journey. To give the ‘why’ energy back to the world

M Moore
M Moore
2 years ago

So why is it then that when I’m in the dark, with an awful feeling in my gut and all I want to do is die, there’s no response? There’s nothing from your god. Just silence. Just more empty. I’m left with two possibilities. First, and less personal, there is no god. Or second, I’m just not worth the trouble.

Salty Snatch
Salty Snatch
1 year ago

Same

Anonymous
Anonymous
1 year ago

I have wanted to die for so long and twelve steps makes me want to die even more and there’s no way I’m going near medical treatment again.

Race Banyon
Race Banyon
1 year ago

I missed my life and my profession by being with an insane women who smelled nice. She hated me she hated my life my profession and I had no friends besides my relationship with her I left my life as a healer as a father with two beautiful children to be with this self absorbed bitch who once wrote a 120 page diary to do nothing but complain about me. When I found it she told me to discount it because it depepucted only how she really felt. I’m 64 I have no career. I have two beautiful children and 5 extrodinary grandchildren I rarely see. My little angel Juniper my little grandaughter has stolen my heart and moved to Costa Rica. I can’t take much more. I wish I had the courage and the firepower to end it all. I can’t practice I’m been diagnosed bipolar. Meds don’t seem to help. I’m lonely. I’ve had it.

Lillian Colangelo
Lillian Colangelo
1 year ago

I’m terrified to be in life and I’m terrified to die. I’m suffering everyday even though I’m on 4 different pills. I’ve tried different pills for 20yrs. Is there any other way to get to blissful Heaven to be with my family without going through death? I can’t take it anymore

Dunn
Dunn
1 year ago

Totally agree. Didn’t ask to be here and wtf is the point? Living stressed out about work, money, relationships when it’s all going to end anyway. Why go through the stress just to get by? Just so over everything.

7897
7897
1 year ago

I don’t want to exist either. I always be “mad” about it. I used to get really angry about it. Hate my parents for having me, hate God, hate sex itself as a hypocrite for the consequence of it. THAT pleasant yet pleasing fuck all has you do this to someone?

That is to say of sex you like the heroin but you hate the addiction, or you enjoy the ice cream but you find yourself lactose intolerant in the after math. You come to a conclusion to where you hate all comfort all together because you’ve learned the thorns of “comfort seeking”. Almost like a mouse getting electrocuted when he goes after a block of cheese. He likes the cheese, but there is a limit to how much he dislikes being shocked.

Consideration took the anger and hate from me but it hasn’t worked any magic on me about the base feeling.

Like of God, I could wish there was no God or I didn’t believe in the least way. I do believe and I also believe I know jack shit of that and am not drawn in to trust the least to what another believes on that.

Wouldn’t matter my crosshairs would readjust to scapegoat in comfort seeking by having something to blame would land elsewhere (parents,sex, it doesn’t matter)

But let’s say he did, and I do believe. Well consideration ruins it for me when met with silence. Because I would imagine a creator who was at a time alone the only show in town so to say and created everything to know something of loneliness. So if it said you have meaning to me it’s why you exist, then for me to ask or demand my non existence that don’t sit right in me because I am willing to consider it. 2 wrongs don’t make a right you know, if I’m out it doesn’t mean I didn’t leave a wound. I’m over the violent/selfish part of it, my desire to wound “revenge” is equal to my desire to be, quite absent.

However with the question open, that is to say why it’s quite presumptious to assume it gives a damn about you. Maybe it instead says, and reinforced with a great silence and silence has a way of speaking for itself…. You don’t have meaning you’re basically pottery I got plenty of it fuck you, fuck the nerve of you I don’t consider piss and shit about little old you. You’re small I’m big, I don’t talk because what you hear and experience is beneath my consideration you little shit bug.

Then I’d have comfort at least of saying well now I don’t feel bad not wanting to exist, I’m nothing to it. You just don’t wound what doesn’t consider you. You can now have what you want, death- in the truest sense, nonbeing.

But with it open, and only the silence to fill and speak for itself, or allows others and yourself to imagine within it, there is not heads or tails to be made of anything and all you are left able to do is not lie about how you feel.

I don’t want to exist * open discussion on what others want, but the heart is most certainly half stone even if it isn’t being cast at anyone wishing them ill.

You’re up against a heavy bias and a lifetime of silence any care shown in any future moment will be fighting the pasts silent army. Where God or whoever didn’t speak, their silence spoke constantly in their stead.

It’s not unforgivable, it’s not impossible to consider, but it’s not going to cause me to fake a fucking smile and lie and say I want life, and more of it. I want sleep, the big one, and I don’t ever want to woken up. It’s on the waking I have to wrestle keeping madness from becoming anger and hate to whoever took that peace away from me. Life isn’t peace, I don’t think it ill to wish for peace, even if death becomes the hope that life simply has disqualified itself to be.

Chris
Chris
1 year ago

I totally get this! SInce 2nd grade in primary Sunday school when I learned what heaven was my first comment to the class was – “well what if I kill myself can I get there faster” I did not even have any understanding or death or suicide.

The best way for me to describe major depression to someone is “no matter how good or bad things are going, you would still rather not be alive”

anon
anon
1 year ago

ahahaha guess who genuinely just doesn’t want to exist but doesn’t want to die bc everyone i know would miss me??? it’s me. it’s- it’s me. i’m not mentally stable ahahaha

jebus
jebus
1 year ago

AND to be clear I have been on this SHIT BALL for over 40 years. I have seen and experienced the deterioration of LIFE. “THEY” want you to think that rationing your water and fuel is required to sustain life…..YOU STUPID FUXS

Trixie
Trixie
1 year ago

I’ve wished not to exist since I hit the age of reason. There’s nothing wrong with believing we’d all be better off if existence stopped existing. Even when I’m happy, I don’t want to be a human, I want to be part of a star. Being human is bullshit

Bryant
Bryant
10 months ago

Adam, I really want to thank you for posting this. I am 16 and have been dealing with depression for 6 years now. I never talked to anyone about my issues and tried to act as happy as I could but on the inside, I was never happy besides when I smoked weed or drank. I was recently caught with weed at school which just made me spiral more. I always felt as though there was nothing good in this world even from a young age. I never wanted to exist and at many points I went through all of these stages up to the point where I tried to commit suicide 6 times but every time I either failed or my dog which was the only thing that I loved in this world stopped me. I felt like nothing had any purpose and that I was really all alone in this world but seeing you and the people in this comment section share the exact same feelings that I had made me realize that there are so many people out there like me and that it will eventually come to pass. Reading this has truly helped me and I’m going to try my best to get over this awful thing happening in my psyche. I want to let you all know that you have truly helped people and that you all mean the world to me as my savors. Thank you and I promise to update you all when I get better and I hope you all will do the same. Thank you all and please feel free to talk about your lives in the reply section of my comment. Thank you all.

CDD
CDD
9 months ago

I have wanted, on and off, to not exist since I was about 9 years old. It isn’t a constant, but it is regular.

Had a good career, have a wife and an almost adult teenager who I love, but I often wake in the middle of the night, wishing there was a button I could push to end my existence, with no pain for myself or for those around me.

I have retired, work pressure is reduced, and yet I still wake at nights, or after minor emotional turmoil and wish to end my existence. I don’t want counseling, I don’t want a help line, I just want off this ride.

Anonymous
Anonymous
9 months ago

I am so tortured by the past and terrified of the future that I cannot enjoy the present.

Harry
Harry
4 months ago

I don’t think anyone would care if I stopped existing suddenly. And I’m not sure if its my depression saying this. I do believe people won’t care really and why should they?

Mary
Mary
3 months ago

You’re so fortunate to have children:
Don’t you want to see their families?
I wish I had children or a family’s. I am all alone. Please please be there for them.

Courtney
Courtney
3 months ago

Can I join? This is exactly how I feel. And need some help

Tami
Tami
1 month ago
Reply to  Adam Fout

Hi, how do you help someone that feels like this?

April
April
2 months ago

Hi, I feel like an empty shell. I may exist, but existing ain’t living. I’ve felt unwanted, irrelevant, invisible all my life. Was and am bullied. Pretty sad, I’m 45 now. I’ve tried to many times to go, none worked, so I save my energy to exist another day. I’ve got no true friends, homeless, no job, no food, no nothing. But yet I hang on to faith and hope, in a world so dark, so very lonely, hoping for a better tomorrow that will probably never come. Anyways, that’s all. Thank u.

Mimi
Mimi
2 months ago

Finally someone I can relate to.

ANTHONY
ANTHONY
2 months ago

I am 54 years old and I have been dealing with depression for about 15 years after I got sober off of drugs. There has been a bunch of ups and downs but now I am on the biggest down wards spiral of my life. I do not have one family member I do not have any friends. I was involved in a relationship where I fell head over heels for a woman and I was heartbroken and I got rid of all my friends because of her. Anyways I have lost everything I have a job that thoroughly sucks I hate I’m not making any money my car broke down . Now being 54 with no car I can’t get a job anyplace else because I’m going to have to travel for a job and I can’t go anywhere. This instant might seem trivial but there’s a lot more stuff that has happened to me in the past that this one is just the topping of the cake to where I just don’t think I can survive anymore.
I thoroughly am devastated I do nothing but cry everyday like I’m doing right now as I’m typing this and I am scared because I will not be able to turn this around this time and who knows what might happen.. if anybody has anything to say about this or would like to talk because I am not doing well my email is anthony92691@gmail

ANTHONY
ANTHONY
2 months ago

I understand and I am sorry

ANTHONY
ANTHONY
2 months ago

I understand some not all the stuff you been through.. I have no kids never married, have no friends, and Noone in my family… I also feel useless

Bret Stevens
Bret Stevens
2 months ago

Ok so I wish I didn’t exist but I do dream and I remember my dreams and they all have the same general theme, everyone else passes and moves on to whatever is next but I never do. I end up just repeating the dream again and again or I quit. So I have no peace when I sleep

Bidd
Bidd
2 months ago

I just want to stop feeling like Im going to spontaneously combust and I want it to stop now . I am impulsive and Im afraid of my lack of control .

Sue
Sue
1 month ago

This is an eye opener for me. I have never related to so much. Thank you. You are helping.

someone
someone
1 month ago

yea I agree life sucks, I don’t know if it’s depression or anger issues but whenever I’m angry at someone I’ll want to like idk like push them off a cliff, I kind of lose control of my emotions then I’ll regret what I felt and want to like to shrivel up and die sometimes I’ll cry like so much it’s crazy and I’m only 11 (not hormones don’t be weird) but like it’s concerning I’ve fantasized my death and how much peace and relief I would feel because of it I don’t have the gut to kill myself but honestly I have considered but possibly won’t harm myself.

Last edited 1 month ago by someone
nobody
nobody
1 month ago

was this written by a bot?

josh
josh
1 month ago

yes so far the beginning of this article I can totally relate, I some how lost the only woman I have truly ever felt In Love with and my step daughter and a 20year friendship to be dumped and forgotten ( not sure really why, such a weird break up..literally was left in the dark until the day she left) for the last 3 years been dealing with this mind set..the first 8months (48yrs old) I for the1st time in my life was in Major suicidal depression..I literally came home from work everyday and put a loaded gun in my mouth or to my temple everyday for hours sat here in tears, screaming ,crying, finger on the trigger so much pain..the last 2 1/2 or so years been truly putting in work to find mental happiness and clarity, I feel worthless, unseen, unheard, I am alone , I have no family ( yes of course I have lots of friends, and family out of state) but I have no one of my own..no wife, no children, and the “family” I do have are not close or supportive…I have no immediate support and at 50 years old I did not see my life turning out this way and I have been through a lot..I started my adult life on my own at 17 and I have accomplished and done so many great things in life..I seriously thought I had finally found the happiness and stability with my wife and little girl..her family loved me and I loved them..my wife was awesome and my step daughter was amazing..until one day it all vanished.now I sit here after thousands of dollars of therapy, and meditation classes, retreats, books, support groups , blah blah, and today I sit here in my house , never physically been healthier, my diet is amazing, my work is great, money, shelter, food, health, fitness, I have everything I need and a lot of what I want..I am very grateful for everything too..so grateful, but I am alone..I have no family, and I dont really see a reason for living a great life if not to share it and grow with someone..nothing is exciting, I can’t seem to get behind that I alone am worth living in greatness..I want to, trust me I really want the motivation..but I can not get past the trigger and pain of being with out my lover, I have never in my adult life ever been single for this long and it doesn’t make sense..I have more going for me now than I ever have my entire life..and I have worked so hard in therapy to create this life and be happy for myself..and I just can’t seem to truly find happiness or the motivation to truly get out and tackle life in a FUN way..I have always been physically healthy, and excited about life, always had great women in my life, friends, always positive and still am positive and push positive energy daily in my life and the people around, I am very self aware and I Love helping people in so many ways, and yet,, I can’t find my mental happiness and hold on to it, I dislike that I have been single for 3years and feel unseen, unloved intimately, I feel so unhappy and isolated, even though I do have family and lots of friends that love and support me in their own way..I go days sometimes weeks ( if I do not initiate) with out hearing from anyone except work..the irony if I was to say have a heart attack or major injury,,no one (friends or outside family) would find me for days…my work would be the 1st to have a concern..thats feels like shit to be that alone in this world..I dont want to kill myself..I just do not want to live I dont care im tired of feeling so much pain..I feel
so much like a failure in life, and Im tired..my only saving grace is keeping so busy..or sleep, when I relax and try to be in the moment..I am reminded how alone I am how I have this feeling of failure as a Man, A Man with nothing , no wife, no Lover, no kids, nothing but me to rely on me..and I am choosing to be happy but find it difficult to truly be happy. whats the point of being successful and great, if its alone??? after all the trials and tribulations and tragedy in my Life..I never in a million years would have guessed that losing a woman would be the reason for my struggle..Ive been homeless, ive been abandoned,ive been poor and starving, ive seen friends and family die from violence and natural causes, ive been in jail, ive been fired, ive lost jobs , been ripped off , been dumped and loved and lost love many times..and through all the journeys and travels and experience I should be bullet proof to pain and misery, ( I didnt even get into the child hood trauma I overcame) and one woman..3years later still haunts me, and I feel so alone and just want to not be here anymore..god speed people

josh
josh
1 month ago

another note I resonated with, depending of perception..I personally think it takes a lot of courage to kill yourself sober..my thing I finally and sometime gratefully came to terms with , it would be selfish to kill myself here and leave this mess to clean up and deal with the house, and bills, and furniture(estate) all this stuff im leaving behind..so I decided if I was going to do it..I was clearing all my liabilities up..all my property and things were going to be liquidated..if I used a gun I would do it outside my paid off vehicle and I would need to figure out a way to safety net the gun so no one could take it after I die..the only thing to do would be for a family member to identify the body..all of my bills and stuff would need to be handled..even funeral arrangements..thats the unselfish way at least..I eventually decided I can push through I can let this woman that I trusted more than anything or anyone in my entire life decide my outcome, I can’t give her this power, It won’t bring her back it won’t make her love me , shit it would not even hurt her..which is what I really wanted at the time..she didnt even care..she wouldn’t of even known ,so wow..she really wins if I dont figure out a way to win..and ive been working on winning ever since..but im still fighting a major up hill battle..I just can’t seem to get to where I was in life before she came around..it really has been a major hurdle in life.

ISA
ISA
28 days ago

I think people like this on this chat page are very special people that don’t belong here on this planet because they are not from here. They must go within and find their true tribe of creatures. we are LOVE on a planet that has no real understanding of what this is. So of course we will feel alone, misunderstood. A planet that no matter how much good you try to put forth will never be acknowledged until your physicality is over. its the jealousy and competition of this world that makes humans be afraid to acknowledge and love someone because everything is just a fraud and illusion. Nothing here last forever. I have had plenty of money and I have lived on the streets and the feeling is the same no matter what state you live in. I think you all are hurting because your real life and family is on another planet not here on earth. My escape is in my sleep too. I have been rejected by my earthly connections once I lost all my material possessions and had nothing materially to give them anymore. Before that I gave and gave and gave, had parties and counseled humans and encouraged them to live and be happy. Now, The only reason anyone wants me around is to use and/or exploit my energetic frequency. There is no authentic love to be found anywhere. But I am not suicidal nor really depressed. Just feel I have no inspiration anymore; no purpose to be here. Even though so many want my energy its just to take from me. what little is left to take. Any inspiration I have is not of this world. Its something better but yet no one understands or even cares. They look at you like you are an alien. Maybe that is what we all are. I’m ready to go Home.

aim
aim
28 days ago

this world in my mind i want to let it blow-up and end this damn life

ISA
ISA
27 days ago
Reply to  aim

I have come 2 learn that if we don’t truly love ourselves we will never find peace & happiness. It is because we have been programmed that to b worth anything we need the validation of others. This is a lie. The only validation we need is the one we give to ourselves. And we can only get that validation by unconditionally loving ourself. I found you can only get there through self healing. Because we have been taught and programmed so many lies. We have many inner wounds from childhood. Those r the years that shaped us and our future. Having to live up to someone’s expectations or feel guilty. It’s a process of learning to walk away from what no longer makes u happy. It’s the the Journey out of the Matrix. Gaining control over your toxic thought patterns & still loving yourself when u fail. I found I would rather do the healing than kiss someone else’s ass in hopes I’ll be accepted by someone who really doesn’t care about me. I’ve learned to give myself the Love that no one else could give me. That is liberating! We R Stronger that U Realize. AHO🖖🏼🤸🏻‍♀️💖🤸🏻‍♀️💖👽👽👽👽👽

Me here
Me here
25 days ago

My ex partner and mother are dead
I don’t want to ever wake up again
I’m 56 too old no point in being here

156
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x